Bad Therapy

The office I work in delivers both therapy and medical care for the Trans population. The woman I work with is an amazing therapist and doctor, everyone that meets her feels better afterwards. I take care of everything other than the therapy and medical care. I take all the first calls and questions, the intakes and emails. I speak with surgeons, doctors and therapists often. I bolster parents and talk down teens. Doesn’t that sound altruistic and kind?

The question has come up plenty of times regarding me becoming a therapist, but really? I’d be a god awful therapist. I can only do this because I don’t have to play therapist, I can say some really messed up shit and get away with it. Let me give you an example or two.

FtM’s (Female to Male or Trans men) have to get a PAP done to receive hormones, the reasons are mostly about HPV and cancer cells, but that doesn’t matter. FtM’s hate to hear this, we have had them have panic attacks, throw up, pass out and many other variations of breakdown behavior over this little event. I am the person that gets to tell them this, it is often accompanied by a whole schtick along the lines of  “Suck it up dude, you want this then get it done and stop whining, it’s annoying.”.  That is probably the toned down version of it actually. I have told parents that loving their kid shouldn’t have conditions. I have told a girl I knew who had multiple suicide attempts to maybe look at like this; if they were a burglar that kept getting arrested, I’d say try another line of work. So maybe she should quit while she’s ahead and try out living, dying wasn’t her thing, and we all have to find what we’re good at right?I have told patients, yeah you’re right, it probably will suck, oh and that wig needs to GO.

I really don’t think these are things a therapist should say, but I can say them because I’m the foil to her kind understanding, I’m the one that beats them at arm wrestling and tells them to suck it up. It’s what I’m good at.

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Transition Conversations

“Hey R, how can I help you? How are your knees?”

” Worse! I’m not sure what’s going on, but first when are we going to have dinner? I’m gonna nail you down this week! What about Tuesday?”

“Argh yeah I suck, sorry for cancelling. Tuesday won’t work but how about next week on Wednesday?”

“I can’t, I’m going in for another surgery”

“Oh no, for your knees?”

“No, my testicle shifted, and she has to go in and ..un-shift it. Make a new sack or you know put it where it should be”

“Yeah I hate when my testicles shift”

*laughter*

“I’m in so much pain at this point I’m surprised I can laugh, but thanks I needed it. ”

“No problem, that’s what I do, mock peoples pain and such!’

“I need to make an appointment too, for today if you can squeeze me in, but enough about me and my testicles, how are YOU?”

“Bleh, I’m bleeding and miserable and want to DIE! There is no reason to be this fertile unless something is routinely eating you as a species! I can fit you in at 2:30, will that work?”

“I’m sorry hun, I understand, it’s why I would be the perfect spouse, I will never say “suck it up”, I understand both sides. Yeah 2:30 would work, thanks”

“You are already perfect R. I’ll just wait here for you in crampy whiny misery, okay?”

“Hey at least your testicles haven’t shifted”

“True”