M is for Match

M

match
maCH/
noun
1.a contest in which people or teams compete against each other in a particular sport.
2. a person or thing able to contend with another as an equal in quality or strength.

verb
1. correspond or cause to correspond in some essential respect; make or be harmonious.
2. be equal to (something) in quality or strength.

I have mentioned that I am somewhat terrible at choosing long-term romantic partners, but since I have studiously avoided mentioning in-depth how terrible, ‘M” seems a good place to try.  You may have surmised that I am bi-sexual, this has never been a real issue to me, since there has never been anyone to come-out to or care. I am sexually almost 50/50 on the scale, and we are all on the scale somewhere. Yet when it comes to long-term relationships, I almost always choose women.

kinsey-scale

If you’ve been following along, you might have gotten that my childhood consisted of extensive physical and sexual abuse and you may be saying “Well of course you might choose women, they are less threatening, and there is that whole theory about abuse being correlated to later sexual identity” . Which could possibly be a factor had my abuse come from only men, but that was never the case, and neither gender is “safe”.

Another thing, I choose really nice guys, men that want a wife, kids and to take care of me (for the most part, with the rare notable exceptions). I choose women that are combative, socially insecure, anxiety ridden and somewhat to very abusive in either a physical and/or emotional sense. While most of my friendships with both women and men can be marked by their very lack of drama or arguments over the years, my romantic partnerships are rocky shores with dozens of lost ships that never made it to land.

I dated Nikki during this weird period of time when I was trying to get back on track. Still partied, but on less manic, more socially acceptable shipwrecklevel. Moved into her apartment in Bloomfield, which was oddly, owned by a cop and surrounded by other cops and their families, but that doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, I just think it’s interesting. Back to Nikki, in the simplest form, she was a bully. Arrogant and pushy. She kept people around that she felt appreciated her greatness, whether that was her artistic prowess, musical acumen or general awesomeness. At the heart of any such person there is nothing but insecurity, and I am the worst person to combine with such a core.

I am very supportive to my partner, (I am also a natural enabler) unfortunately I expect them to support me the same way. This doesn’t happen with bullies and narcissists, the ladies I love to love.

I had a conversation with a very good friend, in which we discussed our deep-seated desire to have the chutzpah to get on stage and do a stand-micup comedy gig, just once. I told Nikki I wanted to try an open mike with my friend and her response?

*Snort, laughter* “WHY would you DO that??? You’re not even funny!”

~she was totally serious and let me just say, no such condescending derision ever crossed my lips about her “art”…… despite popular opinion. She threw things, physically boxed me in, wanted to ban friends that she didn’t approve of or was sure I was sleeping with (ha! totally picked the wrong people). She was excellent at putting me down, at constantly belittling and questioning of my capabilities to be independent or simply park the car on my own, it didn’t matter, I was probably incompetent.  She had to stop drinking socially for a while because even her friends started commenting on how vicious she was. I let her tear me down, one little chip at a time.

Eventually I would get upset and feel trapped, she would rage around and curse and kick shit, I shut down and then I  would get bored/angry/resentful/passive aggressive enough to stray.  I am in no way saying this an acceptable way to deal with an asshole partner and my personal attention span of a toddler, but that is the way I dealt with these situations, I found a new shiny toy. Doesn’t matter which angry lesbian I shacked up with, you can just replace the name and press rewind, I have a pattern. I was breaking patterns elsewhere in my life, but just couldn’t let go of this one.

Trust-Infidelity

Just to be fair, let me say that Nikki gave good face, she was the first GF I brought to meet the Maine crew, and hang out with The Boy, and they liked her a lot. She had her moments personally, but like many other patterns, I will also admit I envied her family and it’s closeness, so I’m sure that was a factor too. Broken people with good families? I’m not sure how to diagnosis that one or me.

If given my druthers, I would be on the Dan Savage train of “monogamish*” , meaning I am mostly monogamous but have very bad boundaries. I am not jealous and do not overly care if there is an honest exchange and a sex life outside of the primary relationship. I grew up with sex and prostitution as my everyday as a child and the one upside I can give you is that I can separate and do enjoy the separation without shame. Shame has always seemed wasteful.

I just wanted to “match” with someone, that meant it when they said they loved THIS woman, not just the woman who supported them emotionally, fucked them well and made a kick as quiche..the whole woman, all the weird, non-binary, slutty, funny, obsessive parts.

Of course, maybe I should’ve learned to stop shacking up with assholes by this point in my life. Looking back, I regret many of the women I chose to spend too many years with and many of my own actions. They were the actions of a coward and a weak woman and I expect better of myself.

SONY DSC

 

*In the July 20, 2011 column (Savage Love), Savage coined the term “monogamish.” The term describes couples who are mostly monogamous and who are perceived to be monogamous but who aren’t 100% monogamous. Such couples have an expressed understanding that allows for some amount of sexual contact outside the relationship.

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “M is for Match

  1. After a divorce years ago, I took a good long look in the mirror and assessed my culpability in making disastersous choices in men. I then learned from my mistakes and now have a wonderful marriage (16 years). I had to face some hard truths to get to where I am in my relationship. via A to Z Challenge

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s